Not sure why this is to be honest.

Driving home today I was suddenly overcome with an intense feeling of despair, not even despair, just an almost overwhelming desire to do something else.

I can’t afford to:

  • Buy the books I want (was just coming back from a wander around Borders)
  • Take my wife out for a meal now and again, or the kids for that matter
  • See a film I want to see
  • Buy the toys and stuff the kids want
  • Keep my debts from growing faster than I can pay them off

Then the depression, the heavy limbs and tearfulness started. It’s really boring, I’ve been fighting with this crap for years and years.

Totally fed up. I have a business that should sort this out, but it’s a long-term thing and involves me being a person I’m not. I need to be more approachable and friendly. I can do it, but I’d rather be curled up somewhere with a book, or writing some software that’s interesting. (Don’t get me started – my current very boring assignment at work is at least 50% of my problem).

As Churchill said never, never, never, never give up. Ok, Winston, I hear you. But sometimes just breathing is hard.

I’ve run out of energy getting some things ready at work and haven’t been able to work on the Java Certification. This phase is almost over (I’m into documentation now) and I will return to it. Another person said pay yourself first. Remember that one and stick to it. I’m going to book the exam for mid-January and the JSP one for end-Feb, then I’ll do the web-services one and then I’ll start on the Systems Architect (thinking of doing the IBM UML basic first, actually).