I seem to have spent the last couple of weeks tired out of my mind. I have been keeping up my buddhist practice and it has been hard. Today I had something of a breakthrough, although like all of these things it is essentially empty and you can’t break through to what isn’t there.

There is a fundamental view that we are conditioned by our ignorance of our buddha nature that causes the split between subject and object. This separation breeds fear, and the like/dislike/don’t care about the “other” which in turn breeds anger and the other mental defilements. I was fighting with my anger today (won’t go into why) and pushed hard at it. Pushing doesn’t work because if you suppress something you make it stronger so instead I imagined it being transformed into the base nature that it comprises of. The black anger was siffused with rivers of gold that changed it back into the open space behind it. So what happened? There was all of my fear hiding behind it. This was indescribably shattering and liberating, but like my teacher says, practice every day and don’t worry about what happens – the important thing is to be consistent. The practice is for the benifit of all sentient beings and if you feel better because of it then OK, but others still come first. This is why you dedicate the virtue you may have accumulated doing the practice to the benefit of others. That said, it still felt like I had been hit by a bus.

April dawns

Well, we’ve done a lot of things. Been to the Aztec exhibition at the Royal academy, very interesting, they had some serious insights into the world. Sad that their conclusions were so bloody. Did the tourist bus thing afterwards, which I’ve never done before. London is an interesting place. Had a conversation with a cabbie. Apparently central London is rubbish for secondary schools if you don’t have money. I am glad that I live in the North of England, near to beautiful Wales and its rivers.

Been getting into Pearl Jam (yeah, I know everyone else has already done this).

Bought some Sennheiser PMX60’s today. They are the neck mounted type. Very good. My old ‘phones are OK but the foam has gone and they were eating my ears. Not sure about the neck mount yet.

Competing in a kayak slalom at Marple on Sunday. 1st time I’ve ever done this, should be a laugh.

Having a tooth out tomorrow morning – not looking forward to this. Last had teeth out when I was 9 or so and it was nasty and traumatic. I remember coming round from the gas and my mum wasn’t there. I called for her and frightened my sister who wouldn’t go. I remember being sick and scared was somehow my fault because my sister wouldn’t go. Funny how these things sometimes never leave. Must be karma.

Blessings upon you all, if anyone ever reads this!